image from Momtog
Being a parent is hard. Sure it’s rewarding but it sucks too. Being the parent of an adopted child is even harder. I’m not saying it’s not worth it, I’m just reminding you that as tough as it was to realize you can’t have children and all the heartache and drama you went through with that, your adopted child needs a clean slate from all of your past baggage.They will require more patience and understanding than you were prepared for. Make sure you’re up to the task.
It took me almost a week to decide I was going to send her a message, but only about 20 minutes to figure out what to say. My subject line was cryptic, the month, year and city of my birth. I hoped it wouldn’t be deleted as spam that way. The message was simple, my apologies for intruding but I came across your name while searching for “birthmother’s maiden name” if this is you I’d very much like to speak to you if you are interested, if not sorry for the unsolicited message.
Then I waited. The longest wait of my life.
There is a proverb from Confucius that says “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves”. Clearly revenge isn’t the goal, but that proverb bounces around my head as I recall my search for my birth mother. I feel it’s really important to point out that you will be changed by your search. The proverb feels like both a warning of being careful how you proceed and also knowing that the search and the results will alter everyone’s life forever.
Use caution.
please note that these comments, opinions and experiences are my own, your mileage may vary
for a bit about my credibility as someone who can rant about things like adoption see this post
Opening the Pandora’s Box
Of all the things in my life I am passionate about, adoptee rights never really occurred to me as being one of them. It turns out however that I am not just rabidly opinionated about it I am quite passionate about my rights as an adoptee (and yours too).
please note that these comments, opinions and experiences are my own, your mileage may vary
Things not to say to an adopted person
1. Please don’t tell them to be grateful
All children should be grateful to their parents, not just adopted ones. They supported you financially and emotionally (hopefully) and you owe them a debt of gratitude, even God made it one of the big 10 (top 5 even so it must be important!). Why then would an adoptee (what adopted people call themselves) be singled out and told this? Well the truth is it’s ignorance but the underlying message re-affirms the belief that adopted people are somehow flawed or broken, or at the least, less than. I should be grateful because my biological parents abandoned me and as something unwanted and unloved I should be grateful someone took me in and gave me a home? Like I am some neighborhood stray?
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The most interesting / uninteresting thing about me is that I’m adopted.
This is one of the first pictures taken of me. Cameras and film were expensive circa 1969, although I’ve seen dozens upon dozens of pictures, rounding them up and transferring them to digital is a slow process. Anyway, that’s me.
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